Acronyms now replace English words, people everywhere use them

Here is an article I found in the MSU newspaper (when I was eating supper in the cafeteria). It is writen by a John Gunnells. I found it very entertaining, and since I am not apt to click on links, I thought you mgiht not be either and would like it all here in front of you.

With gasoline prices soaring to all-time highs, serious influential writers might be apt to dissuade consumers from dependency on foreign oil. But, let's be honest, I'm hardly serious, let alone influential — therefore I would like to discuss a topic slightly more important to me.

American computer users are too dependent on the phrase "lol."

Now before you flip to the crossword page, just hear me out.

How many times have you been in a conversation with a friend, family member or death row inmate, only to be fed incoherent responses of "lol," "nvm" or "I've just been stabbed?"

First of all, when did "lol" become a socially acceptable response for 90 percent of all statements?

Second of all, if I say something like, "I'm watching the Miracle Blade infomercial for the umpteenth time," are you really laughing out loud? Because I am beginning to question your sincerity.

Think about all the people using instant messaging systems around the globe. Now think of how many times those people have typed "lol" when in actuality they aren't lol-ing at all.

Madness. Utter madness.

More recently, savvy Internet jargon-nauts have replaced typical "lol" (laughing out loud) acronyms for "rotflmao" (rolling on the floor laughing my arse off). But, frankly, I don't care if someone is rolling in oncoming traffic laughing, I don't want to be patronized by some plebeian, Third World acronym.

Besides, it's universally known that acronyms are only suitable in three situations.

Fraternities, drugs and, of course, sexually transmitted diseases. Technically speaking, since all three go hand in hand, we could count them as one.

Speaking of fraternities, is it legal for me to say that without my collar popped?

Moving on.

Having covered all bases with the overusage of "lol," we can go to the next culprit, otherwise known as "j/k," or just kidding.

The only real beef I have against the whole "j/k" abbreviation is that it just doesn't fly in everyday conversation.

Imagine if one of your buddies said, "Hey just slash kidding" — you would probably be inclined to knee him in his man region.

The next instant-messaging-related beef I have is related to those smiley faces.

Sure they're cute, but so are deer and people shoot them all the time.

The deer, like the smilies, are simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The other day I saw something in an away message along the lines of "at a funeral, (frowny face)."

Where does someone get off combining the somber mood of a funeral with a yellow- animated-circle-face thing.

Seriously! If that is not the worst Internet etiquette in the history of ever, I don't know what is.

And to think, that poor person went through all of the trouble of dying only to be remembered by a frown-faced emoticon. Not cool.

Now that we've gone through describing proper Internet protocol, you may be asking yourself who is the typical lol'er.

Well that's simple. In fact, you might be a lol'er yourself and not even know it.

Your typical lol'er is a regular person just like you and me. He's the person who asks all the questions in your IAH recitation, making everyone else look bad. He's the sloppy alcoholic who roams Bogue Street slapping people and declaring that he is Rick James. He's the guy who threw up all over your toothbrush last weekend at your house party and neglected to tell you.

It's not just guys, it's girls too. Your typical female lol'er is that girl who dawdles down the sidewalk with her friend, taking up the whole sidewalk so you're late to your CJ 110 class. She's the girl who gets hammered night in and night out, but still has a better grade-point average than you — by a lot.

So, stop with the overuse of Internet abbreviations and inappropriate use of smiley faces. Because before it's too late, you may turn into that guy or that girl — and we don't want that.

And, while you're at it, cut up those plastic rings that hold pop cans together, too. Because someone told me fish get caught in them, and we don't want that either. That's about as unnecessary as this editorial.